This past fall, while living in Phoenix, I attended a business function with Mike at a beautiful resort in Paradise Valley, Arizona. The event was client focused and many of the company's VIP's were in attendance. I sat next to Mike at a large round table with an open chair to my left. A woman, I'll call her Carol, approached the table and took a seat next to me. I could tell immediately by the other people's reaction to her that she was what I call a "baller" aka a successful person. I was also able to figure it out because Carol told me. She introduced herself and once she clarified that I was a spouse she said "So, what DO you do?". It was the way she asked. It was prickly and insincere. I smiled at her and responded "I do nothing". Her face was priceless and not in a good way. She glanced over at Mike and then back to me and said with a hint of condemnation "well, aren't you a lucky girl".
The truth is, Carol, I am a lucky girl but not because I don't "work". I am lucky simply because I am alive. I had a lucrative and fulfilling career before my life took a different turn. Twenty years ago I under went a back surgery that left me with permanent nerve damage in both of my legs. I woke up in pain and that pain has never gone away. In order to manage it properly, have a good quality of life and give my best to myself and the people I love I must give it my undivided attention. It is my full time job. When I am on what I call a "good run" I may pick up a part time job waiting tables or watering flowers or spend time volunteering. Then there are my "down days" where my only goal is to accept the pain and settle in. It is actually a difficult job and one that I was completely unprepared for when I took it on as a young mother in my early thirties. I failed at managing it more then once and it took years and many dangerous and hurtful lessons to get it right. Once upon a time I was beholded both physically and emotionally to opioids and tied to monthly doctors appointments. Today with the use of medical marijuana combined with a spinal cord stimulator I have implanted to help trick my nerve pain I am pharmaceutical free. I have spent years investing in therapy and transforming my lifestyle to work with not against my pain. My current therapist says you could even call me a "baller" in the field of chronic pain. However, I wasn’t about to tell my story to Carol as it wasn't the time or the place. Later at home I thought of what I wished I would have said to her when she asked what I do. What if I reponded with "I do Mike" or when she said I was a "lucky girl" I could have said "or is he a lucky boy?".
In all seriousness and less cattiness I owe my current life to my chronic pain. It has turned my life upside down then right side up and taken me in a direction I never expected. I am also thankful for people like Carol. She reminded me just how far I have come in knowing my own value.
A very long time ago in a bar in Southern California I raised a beer with a new friend and we toasted "drink up buttercup". We were young, willing to explore and ready to take chances. My blog, Whazupbuttercup, is in that same spirit of being present and free. Mike and I have chosen to live our lives as nomads for as long as we are willing and able. We have let go of expectations and old agreements that might keep us in one place. As Ray LaMontagne sings in his song I Was Born to Love You "we tasted the rough now it's time to savor the smooth".
If you are reading this and you suffer in chronic pain or manage an invisible disability I have deep empathy for you. Please take care and do your best. Consider yourself a baller for getting up and getting through.
